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AskMen may get paid if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service. The term BDSM is being used more openly in conversation nowadays — thanks, in large part, to the popularity of the Fifty Shades of Grey series. But even if you've somehow managed to dodge having this erotic novel turned blockbuster hit anywhere on your radar, chances are you've encountered this acronym somewhere down the line.
So, what exactly does it stand for? Here's his handy breakout of BDSM — what each letter stands for and the meaning behind it. Generally, any act of intimacy that touches on these areas can be considered BDSM. But before you go rummaging through your drawers to see what you might be able to use for your foray into BDSM, it's worth noting the importance of using actual BDSM toys rather than going the DIY route. Put it all together, and you've got bondage and restraint, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. And while those are all words that typically have a negative connotation associated with them, BDSM play emphasizes sexual play that's safe and consensual, where all parties involved have established clear boundaries.
Sex educators have come up with their own definitions of BDSM throughout the years, which has helped shift the perception into a more positive light. Janet W. BDSM is also not exclusively a two-player game. Not only can more than two people engage in BDSM play with consent, of course but in recent years there have been publications, clubs and social forums that have gained traction that are dedicated to all facets of BDSM play — set in motion to both break the negative stigma behind it, and to encourage BDSM enthusiasts to meet one another in a safe, judgement-free environment.
BDSM goes beyond incorporating a few intense toys into your lovemaking routine. The art of BDSM hinges on creating a trust between two partners, one that breaks down walls and allows partners to be truly dominant and submissive toys with one another. Use it to push your partner over the edge, exploring her body and pinpointing her sensitive spots — so that when you do move to more advanced stuff, you've got a map of goose bumps to go off of.
The blindfold is felt lined, so it's perfect for both teasing and sleeping! The cuffs are velcro and they fit a variety of wrists and ankles, plus you can throw the restraints in a lingerie bag to wash or dry them to clean them. Eliminating one of your five senses causes the others to become heightened. Pair that with the fact that your partner can't anticipate your next move, and you've the makings of a very steamy scenario.
Not sure how to get started, or with what? This kit sets BDSM play up as a game that you and your partner can follow along with. Roll the dice until you land on something you both want to try, or refer to the bondage sex position guide if you know that's where you want to start. The set also comes with a gentle whip to add another layer to your BDSM exploration. Great for gentle bondage, it'll get both you and your partner ready for the more intense version. My boyfriend and I had talked about doing something a little bit more kinky, but neither of us had taken the steps to initiate it.
For my birthday this winter, he bought me a few things that had eyelashes on them — this blindfold included. The de made it feel less intimidating, and it has really opened doors for us. He's even used it to tie me up to the bed post a few times!
They're made out of silicone, so there's no risk of breaking them if things do start to get more intense. And there's no key, so you'll always be able to get out of them when you want to. Tried the softer stuff, and ready to take things dominant and submissive toys a notch? Here are some moderately kinky toys to take for a spin.
I love Oddo Leather. They really make the best leather products in terms of cuffs and collars. If you want to try spanking but aren't quite ready to use a heavy duty whip or flogger, this option makes for a happy medium, since its handle is firm yet flexible. A classic BDSM toy, this wheel has small spikes around the outside, which you roll along your partner's body or vice versa. Kat Van Kirk.
Once you've become comfortable with ties and handcuffs, a restraint kit makes for a more intense and secure bondage option — but without rendering your partner completely powerless. For a spanking that delivers a bit more sting, try using a paddle that's made out of wood, like this one from Whipping Wood. The rulers from Whipping Woods leave an incredible sensation and are easy to maneuver.
This leather flogger option feels good when you run it across your partner's body, which makes it ideal for teasing. But when used to give or receive a spanking, it also packs a decent punch. Now we're onto whips, but if you're not ready to make that leap, give these bad boys a try. They're spiky enough that it'll leave marks, but not so dominant and submissive toys that you'll end up doing any serious damage or scars.
We started using a paddle not too long ago, and in addition to it being more intense, I think the sound it makes when it whips through the air is also really hot.
If you're an advanced BDSM user who finds pain to be very erotic, there's no doubt you're in the market for something new and exciting. Here are a few extremely kinky toys to consider. Make sure you two come up with an agreed or al before you get too far deep into using this one, just in case you or your partner needs a break. How do you pee, you ask? There's a little hole for that. Van Kirk. The female version of the above, this belt with thigh straps lets you lock your partner up with a key.
Meaning, you have total control over when she'll be allowed to touch herself again. If you or your partner has worked up your pain threshold around this extremely sensitive area, these suction nipple clamps will take things a step further.
Van Kirk recommends, which is also very pleasing to the eye thanks to the lace detail. Rope play is an art form, and the deeper you get into bondage with ropes, the more you'll want to invest in a rope that's crafted with this specific use in mind. These guys are the experts in rope bondage and have quality instructional videos too.
Being able to wear these to work, then head over to his place and have a kink toy ready to go without having to pack it is pretty incredible. Dominant and submissive toys both yogis, so the dominant and submissive toys challenge of figuring out new ways to do it while up against a door has been pretty fun. We keep it in the guest room and it has a cover on it, so it's not immediately obvious what it is or what it does. But the Sparknotes version is basically, the couch is curved with the idea of different positions in mind, with connector points that let you strap your sub down every way you can possibly think up.
An investment, but if BDSM is what you're into and you have the space! You might feel like you can skip all that — but to effectively play out the components of BDSM with your partner, you're going to need stock up on some essentials. They may provider similar — but the experience will vary in intensity. Not to mention, you're more likely to continue experimenting with BDSM if you've got skin in the game in terms of having purchased a few toys to do so.
If you're going to be playing around with walking the line between pain and pleasure, Stacy Rybchin, founder of MySecretLuxury. Or, using rope that you have lying around your house.
Standard rope can cause rope burns, and is made with a much more abrasive material than ropes used for Shibari rope play. If you're planning to dip your toe into the world of BDSM or take what you already know to the next levelNewton says the first step absolutely has to be getting on the same with your partner. That requires communication and total honesty, which can be difficult for some people. Sex issues raise questions of embarrassment, judgement and confidence.
Many couples feel that just raising sex exploration issues can threaten a relationship.
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10 Hot Toys That Are Getting Couples Into BDSM